When you enter a life of travel, you accept that one of the shining beacons on the immediate horizon is the Disney Empire. It is an aspect of our working life that you ignore at your peril. Disney is packaged American wholesomeness, strung together like a chain of goody-two-shoes pearls along the travel landscape. Now, more than ever, it is a collection of travel products that brings equal measures of feel-good satisfaction to those who book the products and the company's loyal cult of end users.
There is some sense of comfort in the fact that Disney still favors hiring clean-cut cast members from the Midwest. Disney has never lost its aw-shucks glow. Job applicants are still put on Delta flights into Orlando. One Disney exec confided, "There is usually a long line waiting for the rest room during the last hour of the flight from Chicago. It's a last chance for Disney job-seekers to shave facial hair and to remove goth jewelry accents."
Mickey doesn't favor tats or piercings.
Disney has been so successful that other countries are stepping up plans to build amusement parks on a somewhat lesser scale. There are a few I thought I would mention just in case you are seeking an out-of-country Disney alternative. I do want to be certain that we have not overlooked the "Disney Alternatives."
The big news, of course, reported by the BBC and Time, is that construction has already begun on the Hazara Heritage Park and Amusement City. The site of this new theme park, which will include a lake for watersports, a miniature golf course, restaurants and a butterfly zoo, is just outside Abbottabad in Pakistan. Yes, that Abbottabad!
It seems that members of the Pakistani Parliament feel that the town has had its reputation unfairly diminished by its association with Osama bin Laden. They want to show the world that there is no terrorism in this part of the country and that the people are not extremists.
The park is being built in Khyber Pakhtunkhwa province to provide more activities for families and young people. Officials express hope that a planned Ferris wheel will be part of the new amusement park. This will, of course, be the largest Ferris wheel in Pakistan, and it could serve to confuse a drone headed for one of its occupants.
If a new amusement park in this area sounds odd, it is important to note that Abbottabad has long been a popular tourism destination locally and for a few intrepid travelers from England, Germany and Switzerland, nations whose citizens will put some wear on their walking boots just about anywhere they can.
The town is actually considered a gateway to the Karakoram Himalayas and the Hindu Kush. The weather and general peaceful countryside has made the area a place where wealthy Pakistanis strive to send their children for study, and the area is home to several educational institutions with good reputations.
But that is not the first amusement park I am going to want to visit. First, I want to go to La Caminata Nocturna in Hidalgo, Mexico.
Writing in Foreign Policy magazine, Benjamin Pauker describes the thrill of the organized night hikes being offered in the Parque EcoAlberto, which is about three hours north of Mexico City. This amusement park, run by the Hnahnu Indians for wealthy Mexicans and just a few tuned-in tourists, is a complete simulation of life on the run for the thousands of Mexicans who attempt to cross the border into the U.S. illegally each year.
Think of fake border agents pulling up out of the darkness in pickup trucks, firing real guns loaded with blanks. Those visiting the park and doing the simulation have to run for cover, hiding behind cacti and crawling under fences. If Goofy or Mickey showed up, they would likely be arrested.
Travel bloggers, all 1 billion of them, discovered Love Land long before I made its acquaintance. It is located on Jeju Island, just off the coast of South Korea, and it is said to be an amusement park specifically designed to appeal to couples in love and newlyweds.
I can't describe many of the attractions in this park, but I can tell you that visitors get to view educational sex films and walk among a rather amazing collection of stone phallic symbols and sculptures designed to show things you might have missed in your readings of the Kama Sutra.
Dickens World in Kent, England, is a wonderful stop on your way through the U.K., particularly if you've been happy and feel that a little depression might be in order. The park presents a look back at horrific poverty during the Victorian age. The tour of Marshalsea Prison is as unpleasant as you might imagine, and throughout the village one sees hungry, tattered children (or at least, bad actors portraying them). There might be value in taking some of our spoiled, iPhone-toting kiddies and showing them what "austerity" really looked like.
Beijing's Shijingshan Amusement Park is a world of its own. It is essentially a rip-off of every other popular park in the world. The purpose of bringing your child here must be to demonstrate China's total lack of interest in laws covering intellectual property rights. You can have your picture taken with "the Duck" or "Girl Cat," who bear a striking resemblance to Donald and Minnie. Wander this park and you will find a Sleeping Beauty wannabe, glass slippers and a slew of Japanese cartoon character rip-offs. The "amusement" in this park is that it is obviously all based on other people's creativity. But the park officials acknowledge none of this.
I think I've saved the best for last. Universal is nice, and so is Dollywood. But nothing says amusement like Grutas Park in Druskininkai, Lithuania.
This is an amusement park that aims to take the visitor back to the good old days of Stalinism. It is a wistful glimpse into Gulag life, with food like starch jelly served in the on-site cafe.
The kiddies will love it as they enjoy the playground surrounded by vandalized statues of communist figureheads. It's really a great collection, perhaps the largest in Eastern Europe. But the highlight of a visit to Grutas Park is a ride on the Gulag train, something the Imagineers at Disney could never conceive. The train is meant to give visitors a feel for what it must have been like inside a cattle car headed for Siberia in the middle of winter.
Contributing editor Richard Turen owns Churchill and Turen, a vacation-planning firm that has been named to Conde Nast Traveler's list of the World's Top Travel Specialists since the list began. Contact him at rturen@travelweekly.com.