I get a fair amount of email from people complaining that air travel is not as elegant as it once was. OK, that's a given. Perhaps we ought to have some minimum dress code aboard aircraft. Perhaps we ought to close down bars at airports. Perhaps we ought to have odor detection machines and available showers for those who need them.
But I want you to assure you that our government is doing its part to make flying the elegant affair it was in the days of the Pan Am Clippers.
Our Department of Transportation has proposed new guidelines that will broaden the types of service animals that disabled travelers may bring aboard domestic flights. It turns out that until now there has been something of a discrimination issue, since the rules seemed to apply specifically to approved guide dogs. But it turns out a fair number of disabled travelers do not use dogs for assistance when they fly.
It is true that travelers boarding with approved "service animals" most often have physical limitations such as sight or hearing loss. They rely primarily on well-trained dogs.
But there is another kind of disabled traveler who might be suffering from mental rather than purely physical liabilities. It turns out that some of these travelers rely on non-canine animals to sustain them during times of stress.
For that reason, the DOT wants to permit "pot-bellied pigs, miniature horses and monkeys" to fly in the cabin as designated "service animals." So, in effect, the government is preventing animal discrimination by making "service animal" a more inclusive term, opening up travel to a greater range of travelers requiring assistance.
Disabled travelers ought to be shown every possible courtesy. But, having lived on farms, I wonder if this new definition of service animal will work well. I had a friend who adopted a monkey. Four days and $10,000 worth of furniture damage into the experiment, he was forced to part with him. I just can't envision a loose monkey on an Airbus bound for Paris.
The miniature horse (34 to 38 inches long, according to Wikipedia) is also tough to imagine. I wonder what would happen should the horse end up in the restroom queue. And exactly whose responsibility will it be to clean up after the excited horse? I am just not sure the flight attendants union will embrace this new directive.
I was interested in the wording of this new directive. It instructs airlines that "you must permit a service animal to accompany a passenger with a disability to the passenger's assigned seat and remain there if the animal does not obstruct the aisle or other areas that must remain unobstructed."
So the passenger who owns the service animal must converse with his or her pig, small horse or monkey, explaining that wandering the aisles will not be permitted. Even so, I wonder how the introductions to one's seatmate will proceed?
"My name is Jason, and this is my horse, Shorty. Would you mind not eating your sandwich so close to his mouth?"
If, the directive advises, there is no space for the animal, the airline staff must speak to other passengers to either switch seats or "share foot space with the creature."
I don't know which airline the DOT rule-makers fly, but the last time I was on United, my seatmate and I would have required just a squoosh more room to accommodate a small horse.
Now I know that each of my readers is kind and understanding. I am sure you all think this is a great idea. But I do want to point out that the DOT does have its limits. It is still going to permit airlines to reject certain kinds of "service animals," including ferrets, snakes, rodents and spiders.
Escaping the heat in rural Alaska
I came across some interesting observations for clients who might want to beat the heat by flying to some of the more authentic local communities in Alaska. The advice that follows is offered by Jill Massal, owner of Alaska-based Geargals, which tests winter sports equipment for a living. They are more outdoorsy than most of us, so as large portions of the country continue to suffer through a heat wave, I thought it might be productive to hear from some Alaskans who deal with tourists and their needs every summer.
In describing her staff, Massal says of one of her assistants, "He likes to jump out of planes. That's really all you need to know about him." Be sure to let that comment shape your perspective on her advice to travelers.
If you or your clients want to travel somewhere where it is comfortable in the summer, say a small village outside Anchorage, here are some observations that might be helpful, as well as cooling.
"It is a familiar feeling watching the jet circle overhead four times before departing. You're stuck another day because that Seattle pilot is too chicken to land in [Kotzebue] in the fog.
"In the more visited communities, the big spectator sport is watching the tourists get off the plane and visibly freak out because we don't have all of the services to keep them entertained. The steady parade of 'Do you have WiFi?' inquiries to the local bartender soon after the plane has landed is pretty funny.
"The six-seater shuttle planes are known affectionately as the 'vomit comets.' If weather forces your flight to be grounded, the natural thing is to look for a local crab boat to take you where you want to go.
"We like to watch the tourists board their Era or Pen Air Flights with a couple of carry-ons only to discover that there are no overhead bins.
"The TSA pays six people to open a security line for two people.
"The seat lottery doesn't even faze us. Tourists flying within our state need to know that assigned seats mean nothing. Weight and balance trumps everything, so when the flight attendant or the pilot says to change seats, you do it immediately. Alaskans hate it when some tourist holds up our ability to fly out during a short break in the weather.
"The car rental agency is usually the counter in the local diner. It's kind of fun to sip coffee and watch the tourists or the feds work that out."
Contributing editor Richard Turen owns Churchill and Turen, a vacation-planning firm that has been named to Conde Nast Traveler's list of the World's Top Travel Specialists since the list began. Contact him at rturen@travelweekly.com.